So She Adopted (slam poem)

The baby was blue.
The baby was the only thing she had to hold onto
the keystone that she needed when her life collapsed into itself
cause her would-be baby daddy left her lonely crying to herself
just when she'd finished getting through herself
because she knew.
She can't give birth.
And she can't watch the movie "UP" because it would remind her,
she can't mother, or so said the doctor,
but, she said, she'd find out how to be a mother, somehow, be a mother.
So she adopted.

And although the baby wasn't hers by birth
she'd tried before, embedded in her mind, before the baby,
and she can't admit she calls herself a tomb
and she's afraid of her own womb
she hides the history but when she's all alone inside a room
it bubbles up just like a blister
holding back the screams of the baby's foster brothers and sisters
who never made it past the first trimester.

And although the baby wasn't hers by birth
she felt like it was living proof
that she had not committed murder-
what she had considered murder
cause she bonded with the children,
made mistakes cause she would name them
gave them names that she remembers,
but you can't blame her, she expected to be with them.
And the extra space she always had since she was thin,
the extra space she wanted to fill in
was only filled with guilt because she didn't feel fully human,
so she adopted.

Deep down she was afraid to call herself a mother
just in case her curse was never over
but she poured herself into the future
hoping that it would be better
with the baby clutched onto her
with the baby that she never
thought she'd have, and it was true her
life was never quite together
but she thought she could get further
with a child she could nurture
but the baby wouldn't let her-
the baby was blue.

And if she recovers...
If she could ever have another
child she could try to mother,
then she might adopt a girl.
Cause' she could never paint the walls
of a baby boy's room that color.